Balance and unbalanced

I wrote a whole blog on balance and unbalance. Then I got a phone call and lost it. Emotionally, I'm unbalanced and since I know that,  that is balance so, that's all I have to say about that.

WAKING THE FUCK UP!

I have mostly stopped reading to, or listening to the news,  because so much of it, is pure nonsense.  It has become so ridiculous, reading about politicians,  diseases, guns, the financial world,  killing animals, killing people,  wars...how about EVERYTHING!

Before I changed my LIFE, aka WAKING THE FUCK UP, I became politically aware of what *they* were doing.  They being the powers that I thought they were. Politicians, our so called leaders and their minions or ilk. If you wake up, please at least start with politics. And know that it doesn't matter what party they belong to, they are not on the side of the people.  I don't know how long it is, that they have been pretending,  but I suspect a very long time.  I suspect it was only recently, after Reagan, that they really gained enough power to be blatant in their disregard of America and its people.  They are sell-outs and should all be tried for treason.

They are crooks, liars and do NOTHING'S, they are war mongers, murderers, and down right despicable people.  They are not human.  If you can't see them for this, can you SEE that they only value money NOT LIFE. What about the diseases that are currently popular in the news. There was a time when sending doctors and stopping flights, was the sensical thing to do,  now they allow flights, clearly hoping for the spread and send soldiers because of the countries in which it is happening the most has very important resources that our country needs.

How about cutting welfare, which is a safety net for every American in their time of need,  but allowing war ships and jets to be built for billions.  How about the fact that they continue to build the forces and no country in the world can match our might, or even come close.  How about the spill off of those arms coming into the hands of the people who are supposed to protect and serve us, and they show their force to people who in no way can stand up to them.

How about all the Nazis they let in with Operation Paperclip,  and many of those people held no position.  The ones that did had upper level positions in the government.  Do you think anything of what we're seeing today has anything to do with them?

What about the total continuation of racism, which everyone thought was gone, unless you have been aware and know it never did.  The blatant sexism,  bigotry, hate, ignorance that continues to rival Armageddon.  Talk about zombie apocalypse,  we're living it, in this world of apathetic complacent assholes.  If you wake up, please wake up politically first.

We have been lied to. George Carlin told the truth in 1988!!! People laughed, then did NOTHING! 

Who's a Guru?

The process of waking up, can be long or relatively short. It really depends upon how much you are ready for,  how much you can handle,  and truly I think there may be a DIVINE time set forth by SOUL,  that is when the alarm goes off. At least that's MY STORY. 

I woke up July 2012, but I remember times throughout my life, when there were moments of clarity and waking. I lead myself to those moments and accomplished tasks to bring me here to this point in MY JOURNEY. 

I don't meditate in the normal ways and I don't do yoga. I'm not a vegetarian, and I'm not a hippie or anywhere near the image of a New Age looking person.  And they do seem to fit a mold. I am willing to share MY STORY, and help others reach their mountain top. It's a process not an event.

The other day I was thinking of how someone told me that at this point in MY JOURNEY,  I require a guru. I laugh at that.  I AM DIVINE ENERGY, I AM SOUL, PURE CONSCIOUSNESS, I let my DIVINE SELF take me where I AM led. I don't feel the need to follow and never have.  I AM a nonconformist. 

That was Christmas day when I was driving home thinking these thoughts.  When I got home,  I noticed there were 3 messages on my phone from comments I had made on YouTube.  It seems there are people who need a guru and it's me they picked to lead them.  That is synchronicity! Still,  I have no intention of leading them.  I will only help them find what is already INside of themselves if they could only figure out how to SEE.

For the LIGHT and for the SHADOW

The world outside of us, is a good reflection of ourselves.  INside of US, WE have LIGHT and SHADOW. LIGHT is WHO and WHAT WE ARE.  That LIGHT portrayed in LIFE IS called LOVE. LOVE was made here on EARTH.  WE ARE HUMAN,  different from ALL LIFE on EARTH.  As if WE alone came from elsewhere, as if WE alone, don't know how to exist on this planet OUR MOTHER.

LIGHT is ENERGY, making OURSELVES LIFE is when LOVE was created.  LOVE IS LIGHT.  So what is SHADOW?  WE ARE HUMAN, being human, is where SHADOW comes in.  WE have a glorious machine called a brain. The brain is what WE use to CREATE thoughts.  WE also CREATE OUR reality and collectively WE CREATE this reality, WE live in.

WHO are WE, and why do I capitalize some WORDS.  WE ARE the UNIVERSE!  WE ARE LIGHT and LOVE.  WE ARE ENERGY and MATTER. WE ARE the DIVINE and LIFE.  WE ARE ONE~SOUL.  WE ARE EVERYTHING,  EVERYONE,  EVERYWHERE, EVER. WE cannot be placed withIN I. I AM WHO and WHAT I AM! I AM EVERYTHING THAT I AM!

OUR SHADOW is created by the lies WE tell OURSELVES. The lies CREATE HURT and hurt is what fuels emotion.  Just as OUR INward hurt, can change and effect our lives, so can our INward hurt as a group or people effect OUR society and WORLD. WE ARE hurting!  Look OUT and SEE what WE CREATE.  As above, so below, as withIN, so without. WE ALL have a hand in the destruction WE SEE in the WORLD.  WE don't idly sit by while they destroy OUR planet, WE ARE the people, and WE ARE the POWER.  So yes, WE sit idly by while they destroy the EARTH. 

WE the people can LIVE in paradise, except that WE don't feel worthy.  I went on YouTube this morning and watched some videos showing people's definitions of the end of the world.  I realized that those people represent SHADOW.  The SHADOW withIN ME. The people spreading LOVE,  represent the LIGHT withIN ME.  WHO AM I?

I AM the RESURRECTION of the LIGHT.  I AM the TRUTH the LIGHT and THE WAY.  I AM ETERNAL INFINITE EVERLASTING LOVE!  I AM the MOTHER of the UNIVERSE.

Struggling is Learning

The nature of struggling.  Struggling can be frustrating,  but there's nothing wrong with it. Struggling actually translates to growth, but that is all in the perception.  And you must have it, to SEE anything that comes your way.  The key to perception is awareness, and both if those together fall under clarity.

Im an art teacher, I had a girl in class doing a pastel drawing, that was from a Van Gogh painting. She was clearly frustrated. I said, Are you struggling? (Yes, she says)

I said struggling is fine. Struggling means you're working it out. It means you are problem solving, learning how to make it work. If you get frustrated,  step back from it. And come back when you're able.

Another thing to be aware of is when you say something that rings true,  that's especially the time for you to listen,  because that's when you're talking to yourself. Yesterday I was working on resentments and anger.  I reflected on it and learned from it. I did not struggle.  I expressed myself, so I wouldn't repress myself.  However, had it been 6 months prior,  I would have been struggling with feeling and expressing.

Struggling is a teacher of awareness, but if we're not paying attention, it doesn't help much, except to rack up the experience for the time we wake up.

Resentments

I'll tell you what, my entire life people have been trying to tell me what to do. I am the youngest in the family, and that shouldn't make a difference, but everyone knows the youngest is labeled the baby. What goes along with that label?  Well maybe rescuing.  I have been rescued my entire life in various ways, so I wouldn't fail.

Well let me tell you what, there is nothing wrong with failure. There is nothing wrong with failing.  It's failure that shows a person what success is. If a person is not allowed to fail, they will never feel experience the sweetness of doing something which leads to their success and doing it on their own, for themselves and not for the people who continually remind them who and what they can be.  I can guarantee you those people know their talent and who they are and their great potential.  They don't need reminding, they need quiet support and belief in them. That is all.

Continued rescuing just leads to a mountain of resentment.  Resentment is pure anger, which is unexpressed, and when not expressed leads to contined sadness.  The last thing a person who has resentments needs is a person who needs to be in control, or who just wants to say something because they feel the need.  Shut the fuck up. 

That's all I have to say about resentments for now.

What is Connected and Who Participates

About 17 years ago I watched something on the Fibonacci sequence.  It was then that I decided everything IS connected.  I said it all the time and my artwork changed becoming more symbolic and it took on a life of its own; which actually represents MY entire LIFE path. It's representative in pattern like that of my ART.  People in LIFE repeat thoughts and actions, based upon words or actions,  which happen to them.  Those patterns depend upon our perceptions at that time, and the way we take it; and that depends upon our sensitivity to the issues which are happen to us.

When you are a developing baby in the womb, you know everything.  You know WHO and WHAT YOU ARE. You are open and a sponge.  You are sensitive to everything,  and you can be effected by sounds or something your mother does. Depending upon the experience,  you are born still sensitive and open to everything, or you can be closed,  or partially closed. Once closed, your perceptions start changing and the facade known as ego starts building.

It could be depending upon your experience,  that your ego is developed when you are young. Ego doesn't exist.  Ego is everything you think you are and is based upon your perceptions,  experience,  lies you've told yourself; lies your parents tell you, and society.  Ego is a facade which can be destroyed and torn apart as if it's a wall which you've built around yourself,  it can be torn apart,  brick by brick. 

Your patterns help build your ego facade.  Each hurt, is another brick. Each hurtful word is the cement holding them together. You are the only one who determines the size of your facade, and when it's time to destroy it. This helps you to find your authentic SELF.  Your authentic SELF,  helps you find your higher SELF and the DIVINE, which you are also.

Your higher SELF guides you, your entire LIFE, when you pay attention and are aware.  Even when you believe otherwise, your higher SELF is guiding you to a certain point in time.  That time is a perfect moment, when you wake up.  The way you wake up is entirely your own,  and the degree you wake up depends upon your awareness to what is happening to you. All that depends upon an open MIND and HEART.

Your higher SELF has a plan and journey.  You have a LIFE path, where you don't make mistakes, because that's another lie. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.  The learning experiences directly relate to your patterns of thinking and behaving. Your BODY also has a journey,  everything IS connected. 

YOU are ONLY in control of yourself

The other day I worked out.  I hadn't done so in a while.  Almost every day from January 2013, to the beginning of September I worked out. I woke up at 3:30, worked out for an hour every day, and walked in the afternoon.  I did so to lose weight, to meet a man.  I did lose weight and it was much easier meeting men, because they are visual,  superficial creatures unless they are aware and awake.  Losing weight to meet a man is ridiculous. 

In September I took two classes after work,  which really hampered my work out efforts.  I no longer could get to bed at 9 p.m. and so couldn't wake at 3:30. Waking later wasn't possible because of work.  In the afternoon I had homework or I was going into class early.  I didn't work out for four months.  At the end of December, I started up again,  but only going 3-4 times a week. 

In January, I broke up with my ex lover, and that started my journey to finding myself. Most of the time from January 2014 to August, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Still I was working out, because it was an important part of the process. Exhaustion played a role in all of my transcendental experiences, waking or sleeping.  Then I transitioned.

By September, I was once again not working out,  except for walking.  I haven't been doing much physically, because emotionally my spirituality has taken me to interesting places. Overcoming patterns of thinking and behaving and moving forward and doing what I'm supposed to be doing, has been physically challenging. The mental process at that time was more important than anything else.  Overcoming my destructive patterns are the most important thing in helping me move forward.

I worked out the other day.  I got a little sore, no big deal.  But my knee which has something and shoulder on my left side are stiff and painful.  They first started stiffening up, when my MIND started expanding.  My right brain(MIND) no longer exists, it IS the UNIVERSE.  My left BODY functioning suffers.  Today I decided to take an ibuprofen.  Normally I shut the pain down,  by saying I do.  On Saturday I got off Facebook. Every day since then my MIND has been expanding.  Every night I have had transcendental dreams with MY LIGHT BODY.  I haven't slept much and find concentrating upon the health of my BODY difficult at best.

My BODY and MY MIND are what I control.  I can control my thoughts,  or let them control me. I can control my BODY and what I put into it.  But I can also control how I feel.  By proclaiming I feel well when I wake up, I do. This morning I thought of how my knee was going to hurt and it does.  I have had chronic pain my entire life, but I have also controlled that pain with my thoughts. 

A simple mantra when I am in pain, or when I have a stomach ache or any ailment,  I say; I control my BODY, MY BODY does not control me. I may revise it, to not say anything about cannot or does not.  But up until this point, this mantra has always worked. That was my first ibuprofen in more than a year.

Losing weight to meet a man is ridiculous.  Losing weight to be healthy and feel well is the only reason to lose weight.  Meeting a man who loves my MIND is what true LOVE is about.

Sadness

The summer of 2012, I was heavily involved in bloodline research for Arabian horses. Why? Because, that was my fantasy world at that time. After weeks and weeks of researching Al Khamsa horses, I sat here thinking, what the fuck am I doing? I got a big lump in my throat,  and a sinking feeling in my stomach, and couldn't figure out what was going on. I thought, this has to end now. This is nothing! I'm wasting my life! I'm doing nothing and it's going nowhere! At that time, I was celibate for 10 years.

I chose celibacy, because I was a wild and crazy woman before I moved to my current location. I thought the way to handle that was to stop having sex. I thought, there was something wrong with me. I got a job at a therapeutic boarding school for girls and found that their issues were my issues. I learned about myself, and I withdrew. I hardened my heart.  I believed in love, but there wasn't opportunity for me to practice what I learned.  I closed myself off from the world and thought I was happy,  but I knew something was wrong.  I cried maybe 3 times in 10 years. I lived in a fantasy world and pretended happiness, because it was easier than feeling anything.

I woke up that day.  I decided I wasn't meant to be alone,  there had to be someone out of 7 billion people right? I had gained weight and so started walking. I walked every day, rain or shine, wind,  heat, or freezing temperatures.  I started losing weight.  A month after I woke up, an old boyfriend started emailing me.  Immediately, I got upset.  I didn't know what was wrong. 

I would email him back,  wait for a reply and immediately get upset when he did.  This went on for months.  This man was someone I always wanted to be with,  but was emotionally unavailable and fit the pattern of every man I had ever known. My friends and family couldn't understand what was wrong with me.  Neither could I. He said he wanted to be with me.  In my heart,  I knew he was lying.  But I carried hope just the same. In December 2012, he suddenly stopped writing,  and I was relieved.

I stopped crying and everything went back to normal.  I joined a dating site in January and immediately met someone.  We met and hung out in Sedona and I liked him, but there wasn't sparks. I thought there had to be sparks. Then 2 days later on the 3rd of January, I met someone else.  When I first talked to him on the phone my ENERGY left my body,  it ignited in flame. He was a truck driver, we talked every day for 20 days, usually 6 hours a day. 

Then we met.  Initially I only intended on sleeping with him.  I wanted sex, because sex is natural and I was tired of repressing myself.  He was emotionally unavailable.  The same kind of man I always met. Afterwards, we both fell for each other.  Even though I knew he didn't want a relationship and he knew I did. That set me up, for someone who pulled me close and pushed me away.  I think I cried almost every day for a year. 

At the end of the year, we parted, because he had someone else lined up.  I was just the distraction and someone to talk to on the phone while he drove.  The next 6 months is when I really woke up.  But in order to do so I had to work through and identify my sadness.  Sadness is repressed anger.  I had lots built up.  It was a long process and I was emotionally and physically exhausted most of the time.  Which set me up to have fantastical experiences. I explored myself in all the deepest corners of my SOUL. And brought LIGHT to MYSELF.

Today I'm sad again.  I met a man, emotionally available,  but not available, and today I was about to say so long. Sadness is okay.  I picked up a book that I have inspirational quotes in and turned to a page. There are no accidents, or coincidences.  When you achieve ONENESS the UNIVERSE FLOWS through you and miracles and serendipities occur.  Here's what I found;

'A good cry can be wonderful sometimes,  and sadness is nothing more than LOVE announced. Sadness and unhappiness are not the same thing,  and it's good to remember that.  So if you're sad, be glad. It says something about you.  And there are worse things.  And there is this: sadness cleanses the HEART.' ~Neale Donald Walsh

When I was celibate,  I was angry but couldn't express myself and so it turned into sadness.  When my ex boyfriend started writing me, I was unhappy,  because I wasn't following my HEART.  My HEART knew that he never intended to come. MY SOUL was sad, because I wasn't following my intuition which said I already knew the answer.

When I met my ex lover, I was unhappy for all the same reasons.  I knew he never intended to be with me, yet I held on, and when he pulled me close,  I let him. When I met my current LOVE,  I was sad because I made up lies in my head, and I fully intended to say goodbye, but didn't. He is my own true love.

Do you know what true LOVE is?  True love, is without butterflies and nerves,  without the pounding heart and the excitement.  It's like an open window into Nature. I made myself sad. there's no real reason to do so, because if someone makes you happy, it doesn't matter how long it takes. The wait for the love of your life, is just like meeting your Divine beloved self. I'm sad today, because today I can't be with him, but that doesn't mean never. 

Everything is ENERGY. ENERGY is like water, you can't hold onto water,  trying to hold on is like drowning in sorrow.  Only you are hurt. Letting go is the release.  Now I'm floating out and away from the hurt, which is sadness.  But I will continue to feel,  and let it out, because emotion has a purpose.  It's so we feel.  We are feeling beings. Repression is harmful to our entire being.  So for now, I cry.

The Hindu Gods and Goddesses in my perspective

In 2013, when I first woke up, I started saying proclamations. I didn't know where they came from,  they just came out of my mouth one day, one proclamation at a time.  My very first was I AM a VORTEX. I'll write about them later, I usually added one every couple of weeks or at least once a month. Several months after VORTEX,  I started saying I AM MOTHER GODDESS. I said these proclamations every day, little did I know that by saying them, I was changing the way I thought about myself, I was reprogramming my MIND and I was recreating my reality.

Less than a year later, I became KALI, and eight months later, the MOTHER of the UNIVERSE. When I became KALI, strangely the word Kali was produced by my phone one day when I was texting someone, 'my name is'. Of course, there's nothing strange when you wake up.  It's all DIVINE intervention, and the DIVINE isn't a old white man in the sky, waiting to see if you love him, or waiting to throw you into an inferno to burn for eternity.  The DIVINE is YOU. 

After becoming Kali, suddenly I was led to listen to Indian music. First the music of Ravi Shankar, then to mantras for the gods. With each step,  I became a God or Goddess, I had dreams of experiencing PURE ENERGY, and transcendental experiences in my waking time.

I came to know the Hindu Gods as aspects of the DIVINE, which WE ALL can access and experience when we are open to it, in MIND and HEART.  That openness requires a MIND that is willing to be open to every fantastical thing which may happen, and a HEART that believes everything is possible.

The Indians took ancient wisdom and hid it in GODS and GODDESSES, in traditions and rituals, in music,  culture, color and experience.  Then they forgot,  which in some ways is fortunate,  because it perserved everything,  for those who can SEE.

Recently I became Krishna,  but really haven't learned much about that aspect of my DIVINE.  This morning I opened my Vedic book, and read that Krishna is the aspect of the DIVINE which deals with NATURE. WE ARE NATURE. All nature is DIVINE LOVE. Krishna is a reMINDer that to be in Nature is to connect with the DIVINE, and to be in the FLOW of the UNIVERSE.

LIFE IS a Tsunami

I started this blog, because everyone was doing it. I knew I liked to write but not this way, stories come from my mind like I'm reciting the way I spent my day, known and lived. I thought first I'll make the blog political, because Obama became POTUS, and there was so much to talk about, from tea baggers, racism, bigotry, sexism, to the do nothings in the House and Senate, really a circus. There was a lot of material to write something about daily. I ignored it for a while after writing the first post, and then came back one day, and decided it was going to be a blog on Art projects, because I'm an art teacher, and I'm very creative. So I deleted what I had, rewrote it and renamed it. Then I got on Facebook, and this blog was left behind. I became political on Facebook, and shared my art, but didn't do much else.

In 2012, I thought my world was going to end. My world ended. When I was 27, I had an apocalyptic dream, that the world would end, but I wouldn't. I stood facing the sun in a world that was dead and filled with fear. I anticipated the end of the world in 2012, that was according to prophesy, little did the world know, that prophesy was written for me, because this is MY STORY. My world ended in December 2012, in January I was reBORN. In the beginning of January, I met a man who woke me up. My SOUL which is ENERGY, came out of my body, and was lit like a flame from a candle is ignited. It was the most painful and wonderful experience of my life. It was a journey to find MYSELF.

When I was two, I had a dream, I was sitting on a beach, facing the ocean. I turned and found a turn-of-the-century hotel behind me, that's 1900, not 2000. I was a baby, sitting on the beach facing the water, but there wasn't any water, there was wet sand, and beyond that small pools where fish flopped around in, and beyond that a wave. It was a tsunami, and it was giant, and it was headed right towards me. That was a dream about my LIFE, it was rushing towards me. You see, in all my dreams in my LIFE, the dreams about water, mean LIFE my life path. I am never afraid, whatever the water is, deep, frozen, rushing torrents, deep oceans, I am always confident and knowing this is ME, and my family, but not the family I grew up in. I sat facing my LIFE rushing towards me, I faced it and never really knew what that dream was about until this morning. I always knew that water pathways, were my LIFE path, but I never could figure out the tsunami. It was too plain and large before me until this morning. Life comes rushing at you, like a tsunami. It all depends upon how you face it.

On one hand, a tsunami is something you run from. The FLOW of the UNIVERSE is going with it. So that would imply do what comes naturally. Unfortunately humans don't always do what is natural. Animals inherently know, when a tsunami is coming and they go the way the water will flow, away from it. That is natural, that is going with the FLOW. But there's another way to look on this, and that is facing LIFE, but there's also a problem with facing life, it's not natural. It's not going with the FLOW, it's going against the flow. Like people, when they see a tsunami coming, what do they do? They think about it, and that's where we differ from animals. Animals ARE the FLOW of the UNIVERSE, we can look at animals and just be, just be like them. Or we can go against the flow, the problem that is, it doesn't work. Why do we think when we see a tsunami coming? Because we are afraid. It's something I lived my life doing, being afraid. I picked the perfect parents to help me learn my lessons. There are no mistakes, there are only learning experiences. I picked the perfect family, to help me learn what it is I needed to and keep myself to MYSELF. On one hand, I saw this tsunami rushing towards me and I'm sure that at that moment when I was two, I knew exactly what it was, because there's not one dream I had about water, that I didn't know what it meant. I was a two year old, sitting on the beach, and loving the LIFE that was coming at me. I was not afraid, I was facing LIFE, and I was going to live it.

But I didn't, being in fear, kept me from living. Today, I know the dream, I know the tsunami and I know that today, is when I start LIVING. No one is afraid to die, we are all afraid to LIVE.