The TRUTH Pt.2

What's the TRUTH?  The truth comes round and you can't ignore it,  no matter how you want to.  Just continuing to live the lie,  and not be truly happy. 

I have lived my life, getting into relationships with men not wanting it or not being ready.  Not being able to even say they loved me, but me giving love  freely and expressing it as so.

It wasn't until recently, that I learned all that was never LOVE. Those so called loves, filled the holes I had of a lifetime of sadness.  But it really didn't fill the holes. It was like a tunnel,  you think has been filled,  but as soon as the dirt settles, there's always room for more. And dirt, it was.  Never a clean love,  just a lustful one. Lust is a lie, it's based upon the things you are missing and either share with your lover, or they have what you lack, and that is the attraction.

Then last year, after finding myself,  I meet a man based on what I have and there's an equilibrium and easy going feeling between us two.  But there's a problem,  he's not available.  We love each other and communicate almost every day. And we want to be with each other, but he has obligations, which I understand.  He wants me to wait on the sidelines,  seeing his life, and missing out on a life with him, until he's ready.

A couple years ago that may have been acceptable. Today, no way! I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE MYSELF.  I LOVE MYSELF. That's the big difference. I realize that if I want MY entire LIFE to reflect LOVE,  then I must reflect LOVE to the UNIVERSE. I like this quote, which tells it so well. I'm not sure who said it; 

'LIFE is an echo,  what you send out comes back,  what you sow you reap,   what you give you get, what you SEE in others, exists in you.'~unknown

I want LOVE with him, with all MY HEART.  But here with me.  I AM not someone who sits on the sidelines anymore.  I AM NEW and ready to LIVE.  I AM a FREE SPIRIT,  I've always been one.  It could be I'll BE here, when he's ready,  I hope so because it's a very good LOVE.

Back and Forth, Back and Forth

What does it take to break a pattern?  Simply put, stopping yourself before you get too far and starting somewhere new. Practicing something new until you get comfortable in the newness and uncomfortable enough in the old pattern to know immediately when you've slipped into it.

What is the difference between illusion and delusion?  I know nothing I see is real, it's all part of a made up reality WE live in. It's US, CREATOR, creating a place to be,  and US, CREATOR, living LIFE as separate entities in order to experience all the facets of what living or being alive brings. 

I,  CREATOR, lost track of all of the entities which I AM, I got lost in MYSELF,  billions,  trillions and more of LIFE and living,  it's what can happen when you're not aware.  

The illusion takes you and you're gone,  thinking you're a person for 100 years and then another one,  and another one.  Or sometimes an ELEPHANT and shark, maybe another fish, then how about just being the water for a while, then the air, maybe the EARTH and Sun.  Now how long was all that illusion?

Then I'm me. My TRUE LOVE has a change in work schedule, we talk less and less until we hardly talk and in my de-illusion, delusion is taking it down or back steps, he has someone new and now loves her. In my old pattern I was comfortable being sad. Now I find sadness exhausting and uncomfortable.  When I fall into sadness I get a tightness in my throat. That tightness is a constant reMINDer to LAUGH Heidi!  Smile and have FUN! I forgot.  

Last week when I fell down into sadness, I was exhausted.  I was uncomfortable,  but I took that for being sad, because of the de-illusion.  Not that the sadness was causing the exhaustion.  This is where being aware is important.  And perceiving it correctly.  This is where you can tell,  the sadness is really uncomfortable and exhausting.

Despite falling down,  I have been NEW every day since the beginning of 2015! What IS that newness?  It's ME~CREATOR, WAKING UP each day and being here, where Heidi is,  looking through her EYES,  experiencing LIFE.

Moving Forward At Any Cost

Well I'm done now.  What does that mean exactly?  It means I quit fighting what was happening to my relationship with my TRUE LOVE.

I didn't foresee the change, but of course it was inevitable.  The law of attraction is something I have been trying to teach myself for some time now.  About two weeks ago, I figured out something BIG. I wrote what I said next to a friend,  it's crazy.

Get this,  I'm sitting on my computer summer of 2012. I decide being alone is not an option. Within a month bozo Marine starts writing and I fall apart.

January 2013, I meet the man who is me in that moment. A Sagittarius,  anger to match my sadness, likes stuff I do. Same vibrational frequency.  Doesn't want a relationship. I wanted a relationship, but didn't know what one looks like. We were both children.  Sometimes attraction fills the crossed spots. 

Then when my vibrations rose, I was moving away from him, but didn't want to be away from him. It was time to work on other parts of me, I met his friend on Facebook. Both of us angry and sad, loved each other in a minute, romantics, little kids, liked the same stuff. He suffered from anxiety and depression like me. He taught me about my thinking patterns.  Then I broke up with the first man, I stopped being friends with his friend. 

Then I met a man from an online dating site, when I needed LOVE.  He didn't want a relationship, but wawas willing to say I love you,  and I still didn't know how to LOVE or be in a relationship myself.  He was loving and kind when I needed it.  He started me on my LOVE bomb which changed my LIFE.  I met MYSELF.

I closed the door on my 1st lover and let him go.  I said to myself, I will work on my books and ART. I won't get into a relationship until I start doing what I LOVE and being it as well. Then I met a new LOVE. He wasn't ready for a relationship, but was willing to say I love you and see me. At the end of December, I worked out the last of my anger from the past.  I AM CLEAR. I was supposed to go see him right after the 1st, but that's when I was letting go of my past. It wouldn't have worked. 

Really it was then, that weekend that I finally let go of my 1st lover, and with him,  went my anger.  My new LOVE was pissed for a couple of days,  then slowly stopped talking to me.  Until last week we barely talked and I know there's someone new. But that is because he is angry still, and I am not. We no longer attract each other.

I told him,  now you work out your anger. (Because I still wanted our attraction) He said he had. But I know he didn't because he met me, and is not able to be in a relationship, because of his fear of judgements if he would be with me. 

I met my 1st lover in January 2013, and talked a year, almost every day, then he stopped to me when I changed.  I met 2nd LOVE July 2014, and talked 6 months, almost every day, then he stopped talking to me, in January, when I changed.

Is this my crazy LIFE?

My 2nd LOVE,  says he still wants to talk and still wants to be with me, he says relax, it will happen.  The 2nd man I met from the online site, told me relax it will happen. I deserve better.  I miss the conversations I had with him, because we are so alike. But I'm not happy with this situation and the way he treats me. I knew it was over before it was over.  I had a vision of my success and he wasn't in it. I love the man, I cried all last week,  and I think I'm about to let him go. 

That was what I said to a friend.  I was worried when writing it, about MY LOVE'S relationship with me because we are alike and can talk forever,  except he hurt me and I really don't have anything to say to him anymore. I was worried that I wouldn't find another.

Then yesterday I learned a friend died.  We were kindred spirits, both sarcastic and loved horses.  But we grew apart from political differences and when I started working on myself, I became much less interested in talking about horses and I lost a lot of my sarcasm. We grew apart because we had nothing more in common.  I realized a woman who friend requested me on Facebook is just like me, even if different and was feeling a lot of the same emotions when we became friends.  Then I met a man. It's not a love relationship,  not that it couldn't be,  but the point is,  he's like me and I attracted him. That IS the way the law of attraction works.

All will be well over time.  Pain needs time to heal, and I want to feel it, so I can remember how strong the LOVE was and never regret it.  See, we are supposed to LOVE,  and of course when a person changes and the other doesn't,  there's nothing to do but say goodbye.  I used to think I'd never find someone,  but that's a lie we like to tell ourselves.  There's always someone waiting when you open the door to LOVE. 

How You Fool Yourself INto Living YOUR Lie

Here's an example of using my thinking patterns as an excuse to be sad.  I lived a lifetime of sadness, it's an easy go to, even though I have worked all my past hurt out. Just because that happens doesn't mean you never feel hurt again, how boring would that be?

I convinced myself in order to finish writing a passionately sad story, I had to be sad and feel sadness. What did that bring me?  My true LOVE turned from me, and I brought sadness and anguish to me. It's not what I want. 

Today I ask my HIGHER SELF what to do. My HIGHER SELF says,  Stop thinking and end your problems. Step aside and let the UNIVERSE take it.  Stay in the center and BE IN the FLOW.  Focus on your goal.   Everything will come when it's time.

Part of the process is knowing that you are your HIGHER SELF. This part of my process is being MY DIVINE SELF.

Know Your Power

Know your own POWER.  Last year when starting MY INNER work,  I realized MY negative thoughts manifest instantly.  That means,  whatever I was getting and attracting, came instantly to me, from my moments of negative thought. THAT IS POWER!  Albeit negative.

When I realized this, I couldn't help admit that if my negative thoughts manifested intstantly, my positive thoughts also manifested intstantly.  That IS TRUE POWER.  That IS an ENERGY which can be used negatively or positively by the choices WE make moment by moment.

Over the last couple of weeks, I was growing uneasy.  I stopped doing several things,  one was breathing.  Breathing is an important STEP in awareness. The other was paying attention to what I was telling myself.  I started telling stories and they compounded upon themselves, so I started to get lost. The FOCUS of this lost, was MY TRUE LOVE. I also stopped doing artwork. Artwork is an important element to MY growth and well-being.

There was a slow unraveling taking place. As if I was caught in a fast moving web, like those baby spiders do, when they fly from the nest. My web was unraveling and taking me to a familiar and unhappy place.  The ENERGY around me was trying to lift me back UP,  but I wasn't listening,  until yesterday when MY DIVINE SELF spoke to me through the verses of the Tao. 

This is what the lack of awareness brought me.  There is a practice by idiots in my neighborhood to cut the branches from trees down so far as if to stunt them; they maim and mangle the them.  I feel the pain and anger from the trees.  The men are ignorant and arrogant.  I've noticed new devastation to trees already suffering! Trees have a will like no other to LIVE, but not in pain. I offered to take their suffering from them. I transmutate ENERGY.  I took their pain and suffering from them, and this compounded upon my OWN suffering.  There's a way to transmutate without being effected and it's as simple as saying how and where the ENERGY is going without feeling it. DUH Heidi! 

My lack of awareness, was like a slow moving train, that didn't know it's brakes were out and it was about to go downhill.  It takes you like that.  I AM reconstructing MY web. I AM like a spider, sitting on it's web, looking sleepy, but just waiting for the moment when the fly is entangled and I can pounce.

The TRUTH Pt. 1

The TRUTH never hurts when you have worked through ALL HURT.  The TRUTH IS DIVINE and FREEING.

Now I understand my struggle.  The way I struggle comes in a cycle, that means it's a pattern.  It's a pattern I'm going to break.  It's a pattern of thinking, that being alone is where I'm supposed to be.  When I'm alone,  there is no struggle,  because being alone is the pattern, being in a relationship IS NEW.  That's why the WORD steadfast was added to my rituals not too long ago, because it's something I need to have, to be here, and working towards. I guess some words are added when acquired others when needed.

Being alone is easy, it's the way I've been my entire LIFE.  Being in a relationship is different and so I have been struggling. I LOVE clarity for the TRUTH it brings. Being in a relationship is new and unfamiliar. Being alone is buying into a form of separatism.

Maybe that's why I shared the Ganesh mantra early last week, I said Ganesh breaks down barriers, then wondered at what barriers I had to break down!  Maybe this is deeper than me, maybe this pattern is so deep that it's a SOUL pattern, maybe that's why it's so engrained! Maybe this SOUL pattern always revolves around MY signature and HIS signature.  His signature is patient,  LOVING, forgiving,  tolerant,  caring, reMINDing, without condescending,  reMINDing because he and I ARE THE ONE.

Saying I struggle with this, gives struggle power.

I AM in a relationship, and I appreciate it the way it feels. I appreciate the way it is freeing, because now I have someone to watch over me, and ME. Now I have someone who believes in me and ME,  and that is the greatest difference in the world.

Actions do speak louder than words

I broke my HEART again.  I got in a relationship with the same kind of man again. I didn't recognize it until yesterday.  I think it's over. I've attracted the same man with slight differences the last two years. I want a man who knows who and what he is.  I want a man who is available,  who is vulnerable, who is open and who is loving and as weird as I AM.  I want a man who looks INside and SEES me for who I AM.  I want a man who is close, spiritual, I want the man I don't have,  but he doesn't want me.