The TRUTH Pt.2

What's the TRUTH?  The truth comes round and you can't ignore it,  no matter how you want to.  Just continuing to live the lie,  and not be truly happy. 

I have lived my life, getting into relationships with men not wanting it or not being ready.  Not being able to even say they loved me, but me giving love  freely and expressing it as so.

It wasn't until recently, that I learned all that was never LOVE. Those so called loves, filled the holes I had of a lifetime of sadness.  But it really didn't fill the holes. It was like a tunnel,  you think has been filled,  but as soon as the dirt settles, there's always room for more. And dirt, it was.  Never a clean love,  just a lustful one. Lust is a lie, it's based upon the things you are missing and either share with your lover, or they have what you lack, and that is the attraction.

Then last year, after finding myself,  I meet a man based on what I have and there's an equilibrium and easy going feeling between us two.  But there's a problem,  he's not available.  We love each other and communicate almost every day. And we want to be with each other, but he has obligations, which I understand.  He wants me to wait on the sidelines,  seeing his life, and missing out on a life with him, until he's ready.

A couple years ago that may have been acceptable. Today, no way! I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE MYSELF.  I LOVE MYSELF. That's the big difference. I realize that if I want MY entire LIFE to reflect LOVE,  then I must reflect LOVE to the UNIVERSE. I like this quote, which tells it so well. I'm not sure who said it; 

'LIFE is an echo,  what you send out comes back,  what you sow you reap,   what you give you get, what you SEE in others, exists in you.'~unknown

I want LOVE with him, with all MY HEART.  But here with me.  I AM not someone who sits on the sidelines anymore.  I AM NEW and ready to LIVE.  I AM a FREE SPIRIT,  I've always been one.  It could be I'll BE here, when he's ready,  I hope so because it's a very good LOVE.

Back and Forth, Back and Forth

What does it take to break a pattern?  Simply put, stopping yourself before you get too far and starting somewhere new. Practicing something new until you get comfortable in the newness and uncomfortable enough in the old pattern to know immediately when you've slipped into it.

What is the difference between illusion and delusion?  I know nothing I see is real, it's all part of a made up reality WE live in. It's US, CREATOR, creating a place to be,  and US, CREATOR, living LIFE as separate entities in order to experience all the facets of what living or being alive brings. 

I,  CREATOR, lost track of all of the entities which I AM, I got lost in MYSELF,  billions,  trillions and more of LIFE and living,  it's what can happen when you're not aware.  

The illusion takes you and you're gone,  thinking you're a person for 100 years and then another one,  and another one.  Or sometimes an ELEPHANT and shark, maybe another fish, then how about just being the water for a while, then the air, maybe the EARTH and Sun.  Now how long was all that illusion?

Then I'm me. My TRUE LOVE has a change in work schedule, we talk less and less until we hardly talk and in my de-illusion, delusion is taking it down or back steps, he has someone new and now loves her. In my old pattern I was comfortable being sad. Now I find sadness exhausting and uncomfortable.  When I fall into sadness I get a tightness in my throat. That tightness is a constant reMINDer to LAUGH Heidi!  Smile and have FUN! I forgot.  

Last week when I fell down into sadness, I was exhausted.  I was uncomfortable,  but I took that for being sad, because of the de-illusion.  Not that the sadness was causing the exhaustion.  This is where being aware is important.  And perceiving it correctly.  This is where you can tell,  the sadness is really uncomfortable and exhausting.

Despite falling down,  I have been NEW every day since the beginning of 2015! What IS that newness?  It's ME~CREATOR, WAKING UP each day and being here, where Heidi is,  looking through her EYES,  experiencing LIFE.

Moving Forward At Any Cost

Well I'm done now.  What does that mean exactly?  It means I quit fighting what was happening to my relationship with my TRUE LOVE.

I didn't foresee the change, but of course it was inevitable.  The law of attraction is something I have been trying to teach myself for some time now.  About two weeks ago, I figured out something BIG. I wrote what I said next to a friend,  it's crazy.

Get this,  I'm sitting on my computer summer of 2012. I decide being alone is not an option. Within a month bozo Marine starts writing and I fall apart.

January 2013, I meet the man who is me in that moment. A Sagittarius,  anger to match my sadness, likes stuff I do. Same vibrational frequency.  Doesn't want a relationship. I wanted a relationship, but didn't know what one looks like. We were both children.  Sometimes attraction fills the crossed spots. 

Then when my vibrations rose, I was moving away from him, but didn't want to be away from him. It was time to work on other parts of me, I met his friend on Facebook. Both of us angry and sad, loved each other in a minute, romantics, little kids, liked the same stuff. He suffered from anxiety and depression like me. He taught me about my thinking patterns.  Then I broke up with the first man, I stopped being friends with his friend. 

Then I met a man from an online dating site, when I needed LOVE.  He didn't want a relationship, but wawas willing to say I love you,  and I still didn't know how to LOVE or be in a relationship myself.  He was loving and kind when I needed it.  He started me on my LOVE bomb which changed my LIFE.  I met MYSELF.

I closed the door on my 1st lover and let him go.  I said to myself, I will work on my books and ART. I won't get into a relationship until I start doing what I LOVE and being it as well. Then I met a new LOVE. He wasn't ready for a relationship, but was willing to say I love you and see me. At the end of December, I worked out the last of my anger from the past.  I AM CLEAR. I was supposed to go see him right after the 1st, but that's when I was letting go of my past. It wouldn't have worked. 

Really it was then, that weekend that I finally let go of my 1st lover, and with him,  went my anger.  My new LOVE was pissed for a couple of days,  then slowly stopped talking to me.  Until last week we barely talked and I know there's someone new. But that is because he is angry still, and I am not. We no longer attract each other.

I told him,  now you work out your anger. (Because I still wanted our attraction) He said he had. But I know he didn't because he met me, and is not able to be in a relationship, because of his fear of judgements if he would be with me. 

I met my 1st lover in January 2013, and talked a year, almost every day, then he stopped to me when I changed.  I met 2nd LOVE July 2014, and talked 6 months, almost every day, then he stopped talking to me, in January, when I changed.

Is this my crazy LIFE?

My 2nd LOVE,  says he still wants to talk and still wants to be with me, he says relax, it will happen.  The 2nd man I met from the online site, told me relax it will happen. I deserve better.  I miss the conversations I had with him, because we are so alike. But I'm not happy with this situation and the way he treats me. I knew it was over before it was over.  I had a vision of my success and he wasn't in it. I love the man, I cried all last week,  and I think I'm about to let him go. 

That was what I said to a friend.  I was worried when writing it, about MY LOVE'S relationship with me because we are alike and can talk forever,  except he hurt me and I really don't have anything to say to him anymore. I was worried that I wouldn't find another.

Then yesterday I learned a friend died.  We were kindred spirits, both sarcastic and loved horses.  But we grew apart from political differences and when I started working on myself, I became much less interested in talking about horses and I lost a lot of my sarcasm. We grew apart because we had nothing more in common.  I realized a woman who friend requested me on Facebook is just like me, even if different and was feeling a lot of the same emotions when we became friends.  Then I met a man. It's not a love relationship,  not that it couldn't be,  but the point is,  he's like me and I attracted him. That IS the way the law of attraction works.

All will be well over time.  Pain needs time to heal, and I want to feel it, so I can remember how strong the LOVE was and never regret it.  See, we are supposed to LOVE,  and of course when a person changes and the other doesn't,  there's nothing to do but say goodbye.  I used to think I'd never find someone,  but that's a lie we like to tell ourselves.  There's always someone waiting when you open the door to LOVE. 

How You Fool Yourself INto Living YOUR Lie

Here's an example of using my thinking patterns as an excuse to be sad.  I lived a lifetime of sadness, it's an easy go to, even though I have worked all my past hurt out. Just because that happens doesn't mean you never feel hurt again, how boring would that be?

I convinced myself in order to finish writing a passionately sad story, I had to be sad and feel sadness. What did that bring me?  My true LOVE turned from me, and I brought sadness and anguish to me. It's not what I want. 

Today I ask my HIGHER SELF what to do. My HIGHER SELF says,  Stop thinking and end your problems. Step aside and let the UNIVERSE take it.  Stay in the center and BE IN the FLOW.  Focus on your goal.   Everything will come when it's time.

Part of the process is knowing that you are your HIGHER SELF. This part of my process is being MY DIVINE SELF.

Know Your Power

Know your own POWER.  Last year when starting MY INNER work,  I realized MY negative thoughts manifest instantly.  That means,  whatever I was getting and attracting, came instantly to me, from my moments of negative thought. THAT IS POWER!  Albeit negative.

When I realized this, I couldn't help admit that if my negative thoughts manifested intstantly, my positive thoughts also manifested intstantly.  That IS TRUE POWER.  That IS an ENERGY which can be used negatively or positively by the choices WE make moment by moment.

Over the last couple of weeks, I was growing uneasy.  I stopped doing several things,  one was breathing.  Breathing is an important STEP in awareness. The other was paying attention to what I was telling myself.  I started telling stories and they compounded upon themselves, so I started to get lost. The FOCUS of this lost, was MY TRUE LOVE. I also stopped doing artwork. Artwork is an important element to MY growth and well-being.

There was a slow unraveling taking place. As if I was caught in a fast moving web, like those baby spiders do, when they fly from the nest. My web was unraveling and taking me to a familiar and unhappy place.  The ENERGY around me was trying to lift me back UP,  but I wasn't listening,  until yesterday when MY DIVINE SELF spoke to me through the verses of the Tao. 

This is what the lack of awareness brought me.  There is a practice by idiots in my neighborhood to cut the branches from trees down so far as if to stunt them; they maim and mangle the them.  I feel the pain and anger from the trees.  The men are ignorant and arrogant.  I've noticed new devastation to trees already suffering! Trees have a will like no other to LIVE, but not in pain. I offered to take their suffering from them. I transmutate ENERGY.  I took their pain and suffering from them, and this compounded upon my OWN suffering.  There's a way to transmutate without being effected and it's as simple as saying how and where the ENERGY is going without feeling it. DUH Heidi! 

My lack of awareness, was like a slow moving train, that didn't know it's brakes were out and it was about to go downhill.  It takes you like that.  I AM reconstructing MY web. I AM like a spider, sitting on it's web, looking sleepy, but just waiting for the moment when the fly is entangled and I can pounce.

The TRUTH Pt. 1

The TRUTH never hurts when you have worked through ALL HURT.  The TRUTH IS DIVINE and FREEING.

Now I understand my struggle.  The way I struggle comes in a cycle, that means it's a pattern.  It's a pattern I'm going to break.  It's a pattern of thinking, that being alone is where I'm supposed to be.  When I'm alone,  there is no struggle,  because being alone is the pattern, being in a relationship IS NEW.  That's why the WORD steadfast was added to my rituals not too long ago, because it's something I need to have, to be here, and working towards. I guess some words are added when acquired others when needed.

Being alone is easy, it's the way I've been my entire LIFE.  Being in a relationship is different and so I have been struggling. I LOVE clarity for the TRUTH it brings. Being in a relationship is new and unfamiliar. Being alone is buying into a form of separatism.

Maybe that's why I shared the Ganesh mantra early last week, I said Ganesh breaks down barriers, then wondered at what barriers I had to break down!  Maybe this is deeper than me, maybe this pattern is so deep that it's a SOUL pattern, maybe that's why it's so engrained! Maybe this SOUL pattern always revolves around MY signature and HIS signature.  His signature is patient,  LOVING, forgiving,  tolerant,  caring, reMINDing, without condescending,  reMINDing because he and I ARE THE ONE.

Saying I struggle with this, gives struggle power.

I AM in a relationship, and I appreciate it the way it feels. I appreciate the way it is freeing, because now I have someone to watch over me, and ME. Now I have someone who believes in me and ME,  and that is the greatest difference in the world.

Actions do speak louder than words

I broke my HEART again.  I got in a relationship with the same kind of man again. I didn't recognize it until yesterday.  I think it's over. I've attracted the same man with slight differences the last two years. I want a man who knows who and what he is.  I want a man who is available,  who is vulnerable, who is open and who is loving and as weird as I AM.  I want a man who looks INside and SEES me for who I AM.  I want a man who is close, spiritual, I want the man I don't have,  but he doesn't want me.

Thinking too much, or actions speak louder than words?

Here's the difference a day makes. I started this topic yesterday when I was feeling alone and ignored. Well I AM alone.  I put myself here in aloneness and solitude and I did it for the wrong reasons and the right reasons. Actually, in this case wrong and right don't exist. I am alone, because I didn't love myself and I didn't know how to LOVE others.  I gave myself away and then I walled myself up and made my heart stone.

Yesterday, I wrote a blog, but forgot to save it. That's okay, it wasn't worthy of ME NOW.  It sounded more like me a couple years ago, when I was a victim of LIFE.  So I ended up losing the post, but there are no accidents.  Today I AM NEW and risen.  Thinking too much can be positive when you are using your imagination to create LIFE and LOVE.  Thinking too much can be negative when imaging stories which don't exist and cause hurt to yourself and others.

Actions can speak louder than words, especially if the person is reflecting you, and you are their exact mirror, not mirror image,  but if they are you, then everything is explained.  Sometimes those you think may be doing something and thinking of other people are just worried about the same things you are, and all you have to do is calm down and be reassuring that you love,  Love and LOVE them. 

Actions do speak louder than words, and thinking too much can get you into trouble and distance you from the one you LOVE.  Just chill out and go with the FLOW, the FLOW of the UNIVERSE.

The WOWZA in LIFE

Everything in the world is connected to everything else,  and everything inside of US, is connected to everything in OUR lives.  LIFE IS amazing! I'm tripping out over some things I learned today and I AM in awe of MY DIVINE SELF.

Today as I was driving to work, a magical mystical map in my MIND opened up and rolled out. What it showed me was the interconnectivity of everyone and how everyone I know is the perfect character for my books, because what do we write best? About what we love, know and experience.  They fit perfectly into the story, I was having difficulty writing because of my lack of knowledge about people. 

Then I saw, how my DIVINE SELF, led me every STEP in the last 12 years, into giving me material to finish this book based upon interactions with others and myself,  and how my spiritual journey is even more material, because it parallels the journeys inside the book.

What's most amazing is how everything fits together and how I really AM writing my own story. This is the greatest WOWZA yet!

What is the meaning of LIFE?

What IS the meaning of LIFE? And so it comes again, "The meaning of LIFE, is to give LIFE meaning."  ~Ken Hudgins

Doing what you LOVE, brings LIFE to YOU and the ones you give it to. 

A friend said yesterday, in a seemingly way it was a question, which I tucked INto my MIND and processed last night. I couldn't answer it at that time, because I had no answers to why her friend was killed. There are no answers for anyone to know on that question, except the person that did it, and the person that died. In my MIND, her friend sacrificed herself so the person who did it, could realize something.

Sacrifice happens for US to look INside ourselves for OUR meaning of life.  To do that which makes LOVE to ourselves. It's a decision made DIVINELY by ONE ENERGY source to another. Agreed upon at some point. Death is sacrifice. It's a sacrifice made to have an impact on others, but it's never the way it was intended. When someone dies, we don't look INside of ourselves to find that which we are seeking. We LOOK OUTside of ourselves, to fill ourselves UP with answers, or stuff that fills our holes, because death reMINDs us of our own mortality and that we are NOT living, just going through the motions.

Before we find ourselves we are like Swiss cheese. We buy things because we are materialistic, filling ourselves with fine goods, and money, as if those illusions would fill the holes which seem bottomless to us. Of course, at that time, we don't see the holes, and we don't know we are trying to fill them. We do know we feel empty inside, and when we feel that way we buy things, because we have been lied to. We've been told buying things will help us feel better. We've been told, chocolate, makes us feel better. We've been told, rich foods, and sugary foods, and fattening foods, make us feel better. We've been told, our favorite things, will make us feel better. We've been told, alcohol and drugs will make us feel better. We've been told, a man or woman, will make us feel better. We've been told, if we do this, then we will feel better. Those are all lies. We always know though, when we are doing them, that we shouldn't, because we know BETTER.

The only thing that will make us feel better, is to work our hurt. Work our sadness and anger from our bodies. If you aren't ready to find yourself, you don't need to. The time to find yourself will come, when it comes. But working your hurt, is necessary, so you don't continue to fill your bottomless pits. Nothing can fill those pits. You will always be miserable if you cannot face looking inside yourself. You must forgive yourself of EVERYTHING YOU EVER DID TO ANOTHER. You must forgive yourself of everything you ever did to yourself. Say it out loud for yourself to hear. You will feel shame and guilt, and that shame and guilt will make you uncomfortable.

You must FACE YOUR FEARS, in order to move though the discomfort. Being uncomfortable is a moment for you to grow. Don't back away from it. Say it out loud so you can hear what you did to others and yourself, so you can feel the emotion. Forgiving yourself is the greatest thing to help you get past your shame and guilt, then you must test yourself, and become vulnerable to others, and pronounce those things that made you hurt yourself, because you will then be ridding yourself of that hurt, which is your sadness and anger.

The meaning of LIFE is to LIVE IT! In doing what your purpose is. You find your purpose if you don't know, by finding yourself and in order to do that, you must face your fears. The meaning of life is to live it, doing what you LOVE. What you love is your purpose. Nothing will ever fill you up, if you can't face what you've done, and cleanse yourself of your hurt. You will continue to fill your hurt holes. Fill yourself instead with the LOVE OF SELF, and knowing it.

*They* put roadblocks in our lives to make us think we need to look outside of ourselves to find happiness.  Some cultures celebrate the death of the person because of the person they were,  not to  focus on their death but what they brought to our lives.  That's the meaning of life, to find the LOVE in the moments we spent with them.  Not dwell on their death or why they died or how they were so young,  or had so much to live for; there's a reason they died, and it's not for you to know or understand.  It's for you to LIVE, LOVE and do what your purpose in LIFE IS.

Realizations

I am watching old reruns of Miss Marple on Netflix, and earlier I was struggling with those same old thoughts of loneliness and some anger, from knowhere. Then I thought of how every man I met in the last two years, I was supposed to meet to shape my destiny.  Not for myself though, but for the ending to a book I have been blocked from writing for the last 10 years.  And WHY? Because I had no ending and because I hated people, because I hated myself. 

I had to learn to LOVE MYSELF unconditionally and without expectations, before I could love another,  but first I had to learn what LOVE IS.  And to do that I had to learn to LOVE someone who was me, who was my mirror image.  In learning to LOVE him, I learned to LOVE MYSELF.  During that process I learned to LOVE people.  The men I met taught me how to create the characters I need to place in my book, one man said the ending to the book. I had written it down before meeting him several times,  but it's the hearing, seeing,  experiencing and writing which must happen before realization.

A couple weeks ago, I thought of how I discovered the ending. Something I always knew, just hadn't realized yet. Then other day I thought of how,  I needed to meet them to SEE what kind of characters were needed. Then a minute ago I thought of how I had moved to this tiny community I lived in before my present home, to get away and write,  but instead I turned INwards and started my journey without knowing it. Then I moved here to prepare myself for awakening.  Then I realized the people I meet and know can all be characters in my book.

Everything is a mirror for us to observe,  learn and grow. I was struggling and sad earlier,  then something shifted and changed,  then the answers came to me and everything came together.  It's amazing how that works.  I AM ALWAYS reflecting, perceiving, learning,  growing and mostly without my knowledge until it appears before me. Writing and ART are my purpose, my purpose is manifest destiny for this person to achieve.

In the FLOW

What is the FLOW? The FLOW IS ENERGY.  When you are in ENERGY, and you know you are the FLOW,  there's nothing that cannot be accomplished.  The key is staying in the FLOW.  So far this year, I have been new every single day!  How do I know I'm new? Those days you have where you seem different from everything else in the world, or where you feel that everything is different from you, that is when you are new. Being new means I am changing every single day! Even incremental changes create a new feeling. 

Just because I'm new, does not mean I'm completely in the FLOW.  I have been happy every single day except the days my LOVE was unhappy and let it be known to me.  That effected me, so as with last week I spent last night not sleeping well, and not in a great mood today, despite my willing myself into strength and balance.  Possibly because of my lack of sleep I wasn't able to keep good focus.

I AM NEW,  but it was only a so, so day. I AM in the FLOW, but it's unbalanced and at the edges of it. We can say people effect our mood and keep us from being in the FLOW and balanced, but really it's all in our thinking where these thoughts come from.  No one effects my mood unless I let them.  No one has power mentally over another,  but our government has sure done a good job trying.

I AM FREE and I don't own anyone.  What I need to do is LOVE MYSELF so much, no one can effect me. I need to stay balanced and in the center of FLOW to accomplish what needs doing.  That means I must learn to LOVE him, unconditionally and without expectations.  I cannot be chained to the expectations that he will behave the way I want.  This seems difficult but it's only as difficult as I believe it is.

When I was first struggling with this, I had a transcendental dream where I was in PURE ENERGY CONSCIOUSNESS SOUL. Jesus,  Buddha, Lao Tzu, Rumi and others were there.  They said to me, 'Silly rabbit Heidi,  LOVING without unconditionally and without expectations is for US to do to YOU! All you need to do is LOVE and if you get hurt, LOVE again and if you get hurt, LOVE again and whatever you do, don't ever stop loving.'

That was before I worked MY HURT, my sadness and anger, before I forgave myself of everything I had ever done to myself and others, before I let go of shame and guilt, before I became truly vulnerable and exposed MY secrets,  before I found MYSELF to be JUST like DIVINE ENERGY.  Now I know I AM CREATOR.  I create MY OWN REALITY.  I bring those things I need, to ME. I know the only thing that can stop me,  is myself. 

Now I AM at a point where I need to develop the skills to LOVE unconditionally and without expectations, and never stop loving.  And be willing to break my HEART, because in breaking the HEART is where you learn the most about yourself,  if you are listening and observing. Be willing to risk LOVE.  BE FEARLESS and LIMITLESS. BE DIVINE LOVE, the LIGHT, CREATOR,  GODDESS, the MOTHER of the UNIVERSE.  I'm doing it!

Let It Go

Two days ago I woke up to a blue screen from my computer.  I was afraid because all my books and my writings from my journey was on it. That and photos and my music...I was worried. I took it in and waited for word.

Yesterday I woke up and my entire body was vibrating.  That's happened before,  but when I was UP for weeks.  It's been a while since I have vibrated so violently.  I got up, took a shower and got ready for work.  I checked the outside temperature and it was below 30 degrees.  That meant my garage door opener wouldn't close properly, and I'd have to close it manually and go through the house to actually leave.

When I left my house I said to my cats, I'll be right back,  then started my car. As the garage door opened,  my Kundalini flared to LIFE.  I backed out, and tried closing it like I normally do and it closed.  Why? When I said goodbye I'll be right back to my cats, I thought how the door would close on its own without my help, and it did. Then I went to get coffee, and the lights were all green.  I decided there wouldn't be others waiting, and when I got there, only one was in front of me. 

I got a snack with no wait, and filled my tank with $2 a gallon gas. I remembered I needed something from home and noticed how time moves slower when you need it to, drove to work and was on time.  The classes went smoothly and the noon meeting wasn't obnoxious, and the afternoon class was smooth. As I drove home,  I thought of how I let go of everything, because all stories are inside of me. I haven't lost anything! Everything is fine, and everything will be okay. I thought when I how everything had gone my way that day. 

When I got home, I called the computer man who left me a message to call, and he said all data could be saved. That was the message I wanted to hear. Later as I brushed my teeth, I thought watch my love will call right now. Afterwards I found I was correct, he had called. I had a lovely talk with him. We talked about our future home together with our infinity pool, and I thought of how we'd have to build a wall to keep the coyotes out. After I hung up coyotes came calling outside my window.
I thought of how three days ago my ENERGY was building, why? Because I have been calm and happy.  Two days ago after I took my computer in, I noticed I didn't have to touch my screen, for my ENERGY to effect it. My computer crashed and my phone didn't work properly, that is not coincidence, coincidence does not exist! There ARE NO accidents! This was my ENERGY telling ME something!  This was by DIVINE intervention, a wake up call to me, from ME.  And now I AM beginning to SEE the LIGHT.

When you are CREATOR, there's nothing stopping you.

When It Rains, It Pours

Have you ever used the term, when it rains it pours? You know, when one thing happens,  then something else and so on.  Everything was fine.  Yesterday I deactivated my Facebook account after being on for several days.  I missed my friends and the ENERGY FLOW.  I went on to say I AM working towards my goals and I have processed all the anger from my past relationships, and I commented on several friends pages. Then I successfully deactivated once again.  Yeah me!

This morning I got up to work out.  I found one of my cats threw up on my pants. I had to wash them out and had a cold spot going to the gym. I got home and took a nap before getting ready for work.  Then got up and turned my computer on. I went to get ready and came back and saw the blue screen.  Yikes! I couldn't get it to work.

I went to work and half way there,  my tire pressure monitor goes off. All is fine at work.  I decide to not worry.  After work I take my computer to the geek but beforehand I call to activate a CC. The card has been used in fraud and it's good I called when I did because they were ongoing purchases.  Fortunately it was put on hold.

Then I take my computer,  and car in to get the tires checked and an oil change.  I've already had two flats so wanted to take it in just in case.  Everything was fine and went well.  I got my body spray and the oil change both things I had been avoiding and my computer is in the shop.

Things that happen all at once are synchronicity.  It's only bad if that's the way you think.

Why even worry with my computer?  It's where I have my books I'm writing.  ENERGY FLOWS where attention goes! My ENERGY is STRONG.  I'll be sure it's not FLOWING towards my computer in worrisome waves.

Settling the Past

Wow! Closing doors forever is nice! Recently, about 6 months ago, I worked on the last bit of stuff I had called sadness, which was holding open the door to my past, and all the hurt that I experienced there. That was a nice thing, to no longer be in the past, thinking about the past, a slave to the past; it was finally behind me and I shut the door. Since then, I've been working on my anger. Sadness is repressed anger, and I had plenty of sadness. Working on my anger was foreign to me, I didn't know how I processed it, but it came in small incremental bursts of activity and inward processing that was surprising.  I didn't know the process was done, until it was done. I realized this through messages from my Divine self, that I was done with this anger issue, or I was done with that anger issue, and it was just last week, that I became done with the anger that kept me tied to the future. The future and the past do not exist, except in our minds. Living in the past and the future are related, because they are both tied to hurt. They are tied to the anger in your distant past. 'Depression is living in the past, and anxiety is living in the future'. Kind of, that's someone's quote, maybe Lao Tzu's. While I do believe it, I think it's all tied to anger issues. Either true anger or repressed anger as in sadness. 

Most of my sadness was tied to issues with men. Most of my anger was tied to issues with women, but also with friends, male and female, and male relationships as well. Also tied to betrayal, and trust. Just tonight a person called. This man was someone I loved, and I knew he loved me. Nothing ever came of it, because he wanted me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me. When he found out that I had other relationships, even though he never said we were in one, he started treating me like an object to be used. He backed off physically and would only email or call. He called rarely, and two years ago started emailing regularly. He is a Marine and always deployed. He said he would visit this time. I knew he lied and didn't mean it, but did not follow my intuition, and not following my intuition, is what caused my anxiety. It didn't have anything to do with the future. It had to do with me believing that he even intended to show up. When I knew darned well he didn't. After the first of the year (2013) he emailed me yet again and tried to explain away the lies of not showing up. I told him I didn't want to talk to him again. In late summer 2013, when I was having troubles with my ex lover, he contacted me again. I talked to him but by this time, I was starting to be stronger. I talked to him, and asked him if he was married. He told me it didn't matter if he was or not, he'd still talk to me. Then he tried treating me like an object and I told him I wasn't having that. I didn't hear from him again, until just now. He called up. I played dumb, like I didn't know who he was. I really didn't want to talk to him, but I did want to ask him a question. 

I wanted to ask him why we never got together way back then. I wanted to ask him, why for all these years, he continued to contact me when he never had any intention of being with me. I wanted to know why, because believe me, this wasn't about friendship, because if it was, he wouldn't start the conversation with sex, but he did. So I asked him why. He said this and that, and I countered with this and that. Then he said some more stuff, and that didn't make sense. And I told him so. Then he said he contacted me because he cared about me. Oh, so you contact me every few years because you care about me, huh? I really don't know what it is, but I suspect, he felt like I was the one that got away. He's always deployed because he's afraid of relationships and commitments of an emotional level. He always wanted to be with me but was a fucking coward. He is not in touch with his emotions and so he can't even think past his dick. He regrets marrying someone that isn't me. He always loved me and is a schmuck. I know caring doesn't have anything to do with it. I know his definition of love has nothing to do with care. I know he doesn't know the meaning of love. I know he lives in the past. I know he's depressed, and anxious. He's got some work to do. I wonder if he'll ever wake up. He said goodbye this time. I hope it's for good. 

Do what you LOVE

I'm going to share an invocation speech I wrote for one of my students; she  graduated today.

Let the beauty we LOVE, be what we do. ~Rumi

Grand rising!

"As within so without, as above so below. As the universe, so the soul." ~Hermes Trismegistus

The meaning of life is to give life meaning.

Whatever you do in life, do what you love. Follow your intuition and where it guides you. Never fulfill the purpose of another, because they gave up their own dream. Never listen to someone who says, that's not where the money is. "If your happiness depends upon money, you will never be happy with yourself." ~Lao Tzu

Always follow your own dream. Your own dream is the thing that you are most passionate about. Passion is the power behind the love. It's what you act upon, that is your passion. We are life; life is synonymous with love.

We can live our lives positively, following our love passionately, and loving our life; or we can live our life negatively, being unconscious, doing something because we think that's what we're supposed to do, or not really knowing what our purpose is and not acting when our intuition leads us.

Our purpose is to do what we love; loving what we're doing brings joy and happiness, which leads to bliss. As above so below.

When you change yourself, you change the world. Questioning those things outside of yourself is what first wakes you up to the injustices in life and the absence of love. It turns you inwards to your own journey, questioning your life, and where your love of self is.

We came here to love and shepherd. Giving service doing what you love changes you for love. What is your purpose? It’s very simple, as all truth is; doing what you love, IS serving your purpose. As within, so without.

Perception, clarity, awareness and intuition, are our healthy guides in life, find them and trust yourself. As the UNIVERSE, so the SOUL.

Truth is individualized, filtered through perception and is based upon life experience, culture, ethnicity, gender, class, age, etc. We are all MULTIFACETED JEWELS.  In each facet is a separate truth or perception.  Perception is how we interpret the world in each moment. Perception is the way you look at something.

Clarity plays an integral part in perception. It shows you the truth in the way you see things. Clarity is like having an open door to your divine nature. Your divine nature is SOUL. What is SOUL? SOUL is consciousness.

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you'll call it fate." ~Carl Jung

Consciousness is love, compassion, knowing your truth, being an individual, always learning and growing and going with the flow. In my perception, awareness is consciousness. Consciousness is knowing who you are.  Knowing who you are depends upon an inner journey to find yourself.

In my perception mistakes are learning experiences. Learning experiences are where we grow.  If we don't learn at that moment, the time will come; we never get away from it, unless we fear. In that fear, we avoid emotion and vulnerability, and refuse to see. If you are uncomfortable, then that's a moment for you to grow. As within, so without.

Awareness is knowing when clarity occurs. Knowing the difference between your divine self and the lies you tell yourself.

What is awareness? Some call it mindfulness. Are you fully in your mind? What is the mind? Is our brain, our mind?  Being mindful is being aware. Being fully in your mind is NOT living in this illusion.

My mind is the abyss; being completely aware, is knowing who and what I AM, energy and matter. As the UNIVERSE, so the SOUL.

Going with the FLOW isn't following others, it's doing what is natural, living, following nature, changing, moving forward, growing, and being kind to yourself and others. What is the FLOW?  The FLOW is who we are.

Perception in awareness is where intuition kicks in. Intuition is the knowing feeling, from our divine self of what to do, where to go, how to live, how to be, what to say, what not to say, etc.  Intuition is never wrong.  Intuition always knows. Intuition is not a gut instinct; it is straight from the heart, where we keep ourselves safe inside from the falsehood of ego.

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.  Who looks outside dreams, who looks inside awakens." ~Carl Jung

When you allow your divine self to lead you through clarity, with awareness and perception, using intuition to guide you, you will never go wrong.

When you find the true love within yourself, you’ll find the true love outside of yourself; and that is everything and everyone you want to attract into your life. That IS your truth. As within, so without, as above so below.

"I am not what happened to me, I AM what I choose to become." ~Carl Jung

Doing what you love, makes life, and its life that creates love. Most people just exist, because they were kept from doing what they love, either because of their self-deception or society, or because we pay to be alive, and fear to truly live. If we're not living we're not loving. To change the world, you must change yourself. Do that by following your heart, and then you will live the life you love.

Hurt People, HURT People

The importance of working on yourself is not only so you don't hurt yourself more than you already have,  but so you don't hurt others. 

We came here to love and take care of life.  We are the shepherds of this world and we've done a terrible job shepherding, we've lost compassion and generosity.  It's been replaced with everyone for themselves, and greed.

That attitude transcends relationships.  A person who is hurting,  and manifests that with anger or sadness, will effect people, because they are always turned INwards.  They SEE only themselves and don't SEE how they effect others.  They dwell in their sadness and can't SEE beyond their own reality.  They SEE no possibilities because their HEART is closed. 

Everyone should work on themselves, because everyone IS hurt. Hurting others without knowing it doesn't give an excuse.  It just means you're so stuck in your own world you are unaware of everything else around you. There's nothing that can justify it.

Hurt people, hurt people.  Wow! Such truth.

Once Lovers Never Friends

When my ex lover and I broke up he said, "how has our relationship grown this past year?"

The problem with that question was we weren't ever in a relationship according to him. He was someone who was very controlling.  He didn't want to be in a relationship, because he had more women friends than myself.  He separated himself from me, by being in those relationships. He did so because he was in love with me and wanted to be with me. But he liked his independence.  He didn't know himself.

I met him coming off of my 10 years of loneliness and walling myself off from the world.  I was vulnerable and unconscious of many things.  He was an angry,  manipulative man. He was a know-it-all. He was charming and sweet when he wanted to be. He was a child. He didn't want to fall in love, but did, but that was his journey.  He said all his past loves, were his friends who he talked to regularly.

The whole year, I tried getting away from him, because I knew the outcome would be a broken heart. He would pull me close when I tried distancing myself and when I started to get too close he would push me away.  When I met him I was very controlling and angry and vulnerable.  I was a know-it-all and a child. We related in almost everything I was interested in.  We were reflections of each other. I fell instantly in love.

The part of me that fell instantly in love, was the me, based in the past. That's because I lived in the past. What attracted me was who he was.  He was everyone in my family and my ex husband.  That's because,  that's who I was too. I was everyone but myself. He asked me to change and accept him for the person he was,  so I did. I learned to LOVE him unconditionally and without expectations.

When he asked that question,  I knew he meant to never talk to me again.  Up until the question, we talked every day ranging from times of 3-6 hours.  I fit my life around his schedule talking to me.  I filled my life with him and sacrificed my art to be available for him.  He was a trucker and that's why we talked on the phone so much.  He controlled the amount of actual physical time we spent with one another, but couldn't take himself away from me completely,  because he was holding onto me in case he wanted me.

I was just one of the cards he was playing. I see so clearly now because all illusion is gone. When he asked that question, I said 'I don't want to talk to you anymore.' I said that because the entire year, he was saying we weren't in a relationship, but he then asked me about it.  He thought he held all the cards. But changing myself to love unconditionally and without expectations, also gave me strength. 

I was also at fault.  I attracted this man.  In October we started drifting because he either met someone new or he decided to start separating from me because he chose who he wanted to be with, but didn't tell me.  For a while he stopped calling so much or wouldn't answer his phone. At one point I couldn't get a hold of him and got worried.  I contacted his best friend on Facebook and we started talking.  It turned out he was just like me as well. 

His friend was going through depression and anxiety and couldn't function in society.  He was angry and manipulative, and charming and intelligent and a child. We started talking at a time my ex lover wasn't talking to me.  We got to be friends and he showed me how unrealistic my thoughts were.  Spending so much time talking to a person can be like being in a relationship. My ex lover and I were in a relationship, we just weren't together.

Initially I was attracted to the person who represented all of my hurt inside. As I learned to LOVE unconditionally and without expectations,  I was able to SEE the man. His friend showed me how I thought of my ex lover.  That I thought it was more of a relationship than it was.  His friend and I attracted each other at the perfect moment.  We were each other when we attracted each other.  I needed love and attention I wasn't getting from my ex.  And he needed it because he wasn't getting attention from a woman but was a human being who needed companionship and compassion.  We fell in LOVE. 

This angered my ex lover, my new friend encouraged me to be the person my ex lover wanted,  so I changed even more. At this time I hadn't had sex with my ex for 6 months, his friend couldn't understand that because when my ex lover talked about me, he talked like I was more than just a lover.

Looking at my thinking patterns I realized how unrealistic and childish the love was. My ex lover knew I was talking to his friend and called it entanglement,  he looked down upon it, because he knew we loved each other.  It was also unrealistic because he lived in Long Island and I lived 2 thousand miles away and I knew I'd never SEE him, because he knew that would jeopardize his relationship with his friend. It seems I found myself in a love triangle.

By the time of that question, I had thrown his friend under the bus. To save what was left of my so called relationship with my ex lover.  I thought again in the end, that somehow I would be with one of them and tried getting closer to his friend again.  His friend manipulated me by acting like our relationship was something more than it was.  He too was speaking to someone new because he in no way would jeopardize his relationship with his best friend.

In the end both had played me, by having someone else to fall back on. I suppose I played them too, but badly.  I loved two men I would never see or be with. I loved them both unconditionally and without expectations. When my ex lover asked that question, and I answered,  I knew that was a moment of no return.  My HEART broke open,  because I had changed myself for a man but not for myself.  At that moment it was the start of me starting to LOVE MYSELF.

Once Lovers never friends, is what my ex lover said to me.  Implying that I wouldn't be able to take being friends with him. At that time it was true.  I had to learn to LOVE MYSELF unconditionally and without expectations.  I needed to bring LIGHT to all of my shadow, my anger and sadness.  I needed to forgive myself and others.  I needed to learn how to accept myself and others.  I needed to tear down the facade of ego and rid myself of everyone I wasn't.  I needed to find MYSELF.  But now I realize 'once lovers never friends' wasn't what I believed,  it had nothing to do with me. He was telling me,  he couldn't take being friends with me, since once we were once lovers.

Watch out for the saboteur

Hurt can sabotage.  My true LOVE says no man has loved me properly, so I do things that sabotage the relationship,  because I'm always on edge that it will end. He tells me he's there for me, but I put the face of the past on him.

I have worked on my past and have forgiven myself and others, but somehow I don't trust. I go back to thinking it's all about sex.  Since I don't trust him all the way,  that means I still don't trust myself all the way.

That's ironic, since I wrote an invocation today and the message was trust yourself.  The journey is never complete.  As you bring LIGHT to,  more hurt is uncovered.  Now to find it.  Finding it means relating it to where it began. Lao Tzu said, 'the way forward seems to go back.' This is why, bringing LIGHT to yourself always uncovers the hurt you are unaware of.

Balance the unbalance

Who has complete balance in their lives? Probably not many.  My life was once very unbalanced.  I didn't have sex for 10 years, I didn't leave my house, I didn't socialize, I didn't eat correctly or exercise, I didn't do my art or write. I stopped reading and I spent too much time on the computer. I was afraid to live.

Then one day, I woke up. I started eating better and exercising, I was moving forward, when before I wasn't moving. I met a man who was like me, but I knew he wasn't for me.  Still I hung onto him and he me. Even though he knew he didn't want me.  That was balance, in a way.

However, I was not balanced.  I was exercising, eating correctly and losing weight,  but for him. I still wasn't reading,  doing my art or writing.  I was leaving my house more, still spending too much time on the computer.  I was changing myself every day, but not for me. He being spiritual would tell me what I needed to work on. 

My INNER SELF, would tell me what he said was not correct and I would work on myself the way I needed to.  Still it was his love I continued to crave. I was unbalanced.  I was changing myself for him. During the process I learned to LOVE him unconditionally and without expectations.  That was balance. 

When we parted, I was gaining balance,  but I still wanted someone who was not for me. I learned to forgive myself, in learning that,  I learned to forgive others.  But I still didn't love myself, because I continued to want someone who was not for me.  He wasn't for me because he treated me with disrespect.  I learned how to look INside and address my sadness.  Sadness is repressed anger and there was 45 years and longer built up. I learned to be vulnerable and expose anger and resentments.  I learned to expose my secrets. I cleansed myself of all of those things and I learned about WHO and WHAT I AM.  I was becoming more balanced.

I learned that I was not that man who I thought I loved,  because that was never LOVE.  It was a feeling based upon ALL the HURT that was withIN me.  I learned that I didn't even like him, because in forgiving myself of everything I had ever done to myself and to others, I cleansed myself of that which attracted him to me.  I no longer was that person.  I was MYSELF. 

I learned to LOVE MYSELF.  In learning how to love and accept myself, I learned how to love and accept others. When I learned all of that, I met the man who IS ME. I was becoming more balanced.  By this time I had stopped exercising and wasn't eating correctly again. I was still on the computer too much. I started reading again and doing my art and writing; I still had to address my anger.

It took 6 months, I no longer live in the past. I no longer live in the future.  I may still have anger to work on,  and I'm moving forward slowly, only because moving seems so foreign.  But I have started eating correctly again, I'm exercising slowly getting back into it.  I'm cleaning up my space.  Things I have neglected,  house, studio space, computer, MIND.

As withIN, so without, as above, so below. 
I AM changed. I AM gaining balance every day. I AM moving forward.