Sadness

The summer of 2012, I was heavily involved in bloodline research for Arabian horses. Why? Because, that was my fantasy world at that time. After weeks and weeks of researching Al Khamsa horses, I sat here thinking, what the fuck am I doing? I got a big lump in my throat,  and a sinking feeling in my stomach, and couldn't figure out what was going on. I thought, this has to end now. This is nothing! I'm wasting my life! I'm doing nothing and it's going nowhere! At that time, I was celibate for 10 years.

I chose celibacy, because I was a wild and crazy woman before I moved to my current location. I thought the way to handle that was to stop having sex. I thought, there was something wrong with me. I got a job at a therapeutic boarding school for girls and found that their issues were my issues. I learned about myself, and I withdrew. I hardened my heart.  I believed in love, but there wasn't opportunity for me to practice what I learned.  I closed myself off from the world and thought I was happy,  but I knew something was wrong.  I cried maybe 3 times in 10 years. I lived in a fantasy world and pretended happiness, because it was easier than feeling anything.

I woke up that day.  I decided I wasn't meant to be alone,  there had to be someone out of 7 billion people right? I had gained weight and so started walking. I walked every day, rain or shine, wind,  heat, or freezing temperatures.  I started losing weight.  A month after I woke up, an old boyfriend started emailing me.  Immediately, I got upset.  I didn't know what was wrong. 

I would email him back,  wait for a reply and immediately get upset when he did.  This went on for months.  This man was someone I always wanted to be with,  but was emotionally unavailable and fit the pattern of every man I had ever known. My friends and family couldn't understand what was wrong with me.  Neither could I. He said he wanted to be with me.  In my heart,  I knew he was lying.  But I carried hope just the same. In December 2012, he suddenly stopped writing,  and I was relieved.

I stopped crying and everything went back to normal.  I joined a dating site in January and immediately met someone.  We met and hung out in Sedona and I liked him, but there wasn't sparks. I thought there had to be sparks. Then 2 days later on the 3rd of January, I met someone else.  When I first talked to him on the phone my ENERGY left my body,  it ignited in flame. He was a truck driver, we talked every day for 20 days, usually 6 hours a day. 

Then we met.  Initially I only intended on sleeping with him.  I wanted sex, because sex is natural and I was tired of repressing myself.  He was emotionally unavailable.  The same kind of man I always met. Afterwards, we both fell for each other.  Even though I knew he didn't want a relationship and he knew I did. That set me up, for someone who pulled me close and pushed me away.  I think I cried almost every day for a year. 

At the end of the year, we parted, because he had someone else lined up.  I was just the distraction and someone to talk to on the phone while he drove.  The next 6 months is when I really woke up.  But in order to do so I had to work through and identify my sadness.  Sadness is repressed anger.  I had lots built up.  It was a long process and I was emotionally and physically exhausted most of the time.  Which set me up to have fantastical experiences. I explored myself in all the deepest corners of my SOUL. And brought LIGHT to MYSELF.

Today I'm sad again.  I met a man, emotionally available,  but not available, and today I was about to say so long. Sadness is okay.  I picked up a book that I have inspirational quotes in and turned to a page. There are no accidents, or coincidences.  When you achieve ONENESS the UNIVERSE FLOWS through you and miracles and serendipities occur.  Here's what I found;

'A good cry can be wonderful sometimes,  and sadness is nothing more than LOVE announced. Sadness and unhappiness are not the same thing,  and it's good to remember that.  So if you're sad, be glad. It says something about you.  And there are worse things.  And there is this: sadness cleanses the HEART.' ~Neale Donald Walsh

When I was celibate,  I was angry but couldn't express myself and so it turned into sadness.  When my ex boyfriend started writing me, I was unhappy,  because I wasn't following my HEART.  My HEART knew that he never intended to come. MY SOUL was sad, because I wasn't following my intuition which said I already knew the answer.

When I met my ex lover, I was unhappy for all the same reasons.  I knew he never intended to be with me, yet I held on, and when he pulled me close,  I let him. When I met my current LOVE,  I was sad because I made up lies in my head, and I fully intended to say goodbye, but didn't. He is my own true love.

Do you know what true LOVE is?  True love, is without butterflies and nerves,  without the pounding heart and the excitement.  It's like an open window into Nature. I made myself sad. there's no real reason to do so, because if someone makes you happy, it doesn't matter how long it takes. The wait for the love of your life, is just like meeting your Divine beloved self. I'm sad today, because today I can't be with him, but that doesn't mean never. 

Everything is ENERGY. ENERGY is like water, you can't hold onto water,  trying to hold on is like drowning in sorrow.  Only you are hurt. Letting go is the release.  Now I'm floating out and away from the hurt, which is sadness.  But I will continue to feel,  and let it out, because emotion has a purpose.  It's so we feel.  We are feeling beings. Repression is harmful to our entire being.  So for now, I cry.