Settling the Past

Wow! Closing doors forever is nice! Recently, about 6 months ago, I worked on the last bit of stuff I had called sadness, which was holding open the door to my past, and all the hurt that I experienced there. That was a nice thing, to no longer be in the past, thinking about the past, a slave to the past; it was finally behind me and I shut the door. Since then, I've been working on my anger. Sadness is repressed anger, and I had plenty of sadness. Working on my anger was foreign to me, I didn't know how I processed it, but it came in small incremental bursts of activity and inward processing that was surprising.  I didn't know the process was done, until it was done. I realized this through messages from my Divine self, that I was done with this anger issue, or I was done with that anger issue, and it was just last week, that I became done with the anger that kept me tied to the future. The future and the past do not exist, except in our minds. Living in the past and the future are related, because they are both tied to hurt. They are tied to the anger in your distant past. 'Depression is living in the past, and anxiety is living in the future'. Kind of, that's someone's quote, maybe Lao Tzu's. While I do believe it, I think it's all tied to anger issues. Either true anger or repressed anger as in sadness. 

Most of my sadness was tied to issues with men. Most of my anger was tied to issues with women, but also with friends, male and female, and male relationships as well. Also tied to betrayal, and trust. Just tonight a person called. This man was someone I loved, and I knew he loved me. Nothing ever came of it, because he wanted me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me. When he found out that I had other relationships, even though he never said we were in one, he started treating me like an object to be used. He backed off physically and would only email or call. He called rarely, and two years ago started emailing regularly. He is a Marine and always deployed. He said he would visit this time. I knew he lied and didn't mean it, but did not follow my intuition, and not following my intuition, is what caused my anxiety. It didn't have anything to do with the future. It had to do with me believing that he even intended to show up. When I knew darned well he didn't. After the first of the year (2013) he emailed me yet again and tried to explain away the lies of not showing up. I told him I didn't want to talk to him again. In late summer 2013, when I was having troubles with my ex lover, he contacted me again. I talked to him but by this time, I was starting to be stronger. I talked to him, and asked him if he was married. He told me it didn't matter if he was or not, he'd still talk to me. Then he tried treating me like an object and I told him I wasn't having that. I didn't hear from him again, until just now. He called up. I played dumb, like I didn't know who he was. I really didn't want to talk to him, but I did want to ask him a question. 

I wanted to ask him why we never got together way back then. I wanted to ask him, why for all these years, he continued to contact me when he never had any intention of being with me. I wanted to know why, because believe me, this wasn't about friendship, because if it was, he wouldn't start the conversation with sex, but he did. So I asked him why. He said this and that, and I countered with this and that. Then he said some more stuff, and that didn't make sense. And I told him so. Then he said he contacted me because he cared about me. Oh, so you contact me every few years because you care about me, huh? I really don't know what it is, but I suspect, he felt like I was the one that got away. He's always deployed because he's afraid of relationships and commitments of an emotional level. He always wanted to be with me but was a fucking coward. He is not in touch with his emotions and so he can't even think past his dick. He regrets marrying someone that isn't me. He always loved me and is a schmuck. I know caring doesn't have anything to do with it. I know his definition of love has nothing to do with care. I know he doesn't know the meaning of love. I know he lives in the past. I know he's depressed, and anxious. He's got some work to do. I wonder if he'll ever wake up. He said goodbye this time. I hope it's for good.